who are they, really?
so, today i was hanging out at the batting cages after watching a horribly depressing flick, called wendy and lucy (which, by the way, is not as queer as the title implies), when one of my good friends got the news, that his father, who was ill with cancer, had died. now, i guess i just expected more of a reaction than, “oh, he died?” although i am not exactly sure why i expected anything at all. he and his father were estranged, which i knew, but i thought it would be a bigger deal when someone who gave you life, comes to the end of their own.
than i got to thinking about my own father, which i try not to do very often. my father and i are not the closest, seeing as how we haven’t spoken in years. i was born a complete daddy’s girl, hanging out with him, being silly, watching him work on cars and fix things with a genuine interest… there were a few rough patches involving my mother, but for the most part he was untouchable in my world. when i was six my finally mom left my father and they divorced. throughout the years i was worn down by my parents, who had turned me into some sort of a diplomat, passing along bitter messages about things i had no idea about, like child support, and trying to keep the peace. eventually my father just faded out of my life, which made me resent him.
as long as i can remember now, my father has had problems with his breathing, checking in and out of hospitals. i am still not too clear what is wrong with him, on many levels, but for some reason i don’t think i’d be shocked to get a call not unlike the one my friend received. then i started wondering, who was he, really? i mean i know very little from his life before my mother, six years of pretty good times and then a series of mistakes he’s made throughout the years. what does he do in his free time? what’s his favorite movie? is he allergic to cats? if he saw a car accident, would stop and help?
i guess i’m over my angsty, father hating phase. i’m kind of ready to make a mends, before he leaves the planet, if he hasn’t already. i’ve always been the bigger person between my father and i, but i really want him to not be the sad, lonely, jackass that he is in my head. we were so much alike, i guess i am just afraid of ending up like him; alone, unhealthy, not knowing what’s happening in his kids’ lives, moving around from job to job, state to state, lost in his fifties. we’re still so much alike, but there’s still hope… right? lately, i am finding it harder and harder to figure out what i am doing here… here in los angeles… here on the planet. i just can not figure out what the point is.
maybe, one of my new missions will be to figure out who my parents are and why they did the things they did. maybe that will help me figure out who i am supposed to be, or at least who i come from.
how well do you know your parents?
